I Will Never Leave You
When I first came across the command to love God wholeheartedly and to love others as myself, it had a profound impact on me. It made me question how I could fulfill my duty to God while battling with self-hatred. Throughout my life, I had invested most of my time and energy into nurturing my relationships with others – as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, and now, as a child of God. Despite being aware that my self-image was damaged, I never felt like I had the time or resources to seek help, so I simply pushed those feelings aside. But now, God held a mirror up to my soul, revealing a terrifying reflection. However, I had faith that since He had brought my self-hatred to light, He would also guide me on how to overcome it. I knew that building a relationship with God was crucial, but I was unsure of how to go about it, so I decided to join a local church. Unfortunately, the small congregation of believers didn’t fully grasp the turmoil that consumed my mind. As I observed their responses to the flaws of those who attended and visited the church, I believed that they simply misunderstood them. Being new to my faith, I pointed out scriptures that called for mercy and restoration in relation to the suffering I had witnessed in these flawed individuals. Regrettably, my input was dismissed and I was told that I didn’t understand. They failed to realize that every time they condemned and rejected someone else, it only amplified the condemnation and rejection that I was already battling within myself. One night, while listening to the pastor speak, he made a statement that deeply affected me: “If you think it, you’ve done it.” In that moment, it felt as though there was no point in trying anymore. According to him, I had already committed all the sins that flooded my mind. Consequently, I made the decision to run away from God and my family. I ended up on the streets, struggling with drug addiction for a while.
I have to clarify this subject.
First Mindset: Premeditating an offensive act while planning to seek forgiveness from God afterward.
Response: God is not deceived; you are essentially asking Him to bring about His loving hand of correction.
Second Mindset: Sometimes, the enemy bombards your mind, and you must resist these thoughts as they arise.
Response: Pray for God to strengthen you, and continue to resist ungodly thoughts.
When the pastor made his statement, he was addressing the first mindset, while I was struggling with the second.
Limited Perspective
Our limited perspective or point of view can often hinder our relationship with God. The first authority figures we encounter are our parents or legal guardians, followed by many others in various positions of authority, such as family members, teachers, pastors, and so on. The issue is that no matter how admirable these authority figures may seem; they are still flawed human beings. As a result, our thoughts and perceptions of God and His Word (the Holy Bible) can also be flawed. For example, in my case, my mother was emotionally distant and my father figure was a stepdad. Consequently, everything I read or heard about God was initially filtered through that mindset. God seemed distant to me, resembling my protective but uncommitted stepdad. It was challenging for me to fully trust and surrender my identity to this God, as I believed He was not reliable and neither were His Words. It wasn’t until I ran from God and He actively pursued me that my limited and flawed perspective was challenged. Now I know, beyond a doubt, God is protective, loving, committed, and near.
