The Unforgivable

By the time I was twenty-four, I had decided to follow God, or perhaps it was more accurate to say I chose to listen to His call. I was very young in my faith and knew little about God’s nature. However, I understood that forgiving others was not optional. One night, while sitting in the living room of our home with my mother, Patty, we found ourselves caught in yet another heated argument. It was truly ugly, filled with my pain, rage, and bitterness, interspersed with her lies and denial. For a few years, our relationship had followed this destructive pattern.

I had finally grown fed up with her snide remarks, verbal abuse, and manipulative mind games. As we began yet another confrontation, I was fully aware it would likely end without resolution. Then, my husband Kurt walked into the room. He looked at me and said, “God is here.” At that moment, I immediately stopped arguing and asked him to repeat himself. Once again, he said, “God is here.” I realized then that I was being called to forgive my mother; just the thought of it made me feel physically ill. She had caused so much damage in my life and continued to play psychological games, trying to take advantage of both Kurt and me.

I squirmed in my seat, grappling with the fact that she had never asked for forgiveness, nor would she likely ever do so. My mother could be holding a bloody knife in her hand—one she had just plunged into me—and still deny her actions. This aspect of her character had always driven me crazy. Yet I knew what God was asking of me: He wanted me to surrender all my pain, rage, and bitterness to Him. I wasn’t even sure I could release these intense emotions, but I took a deep breath and said, “I forgive you, Mom, for all the things you have done to me in the past.”

Her response was that she had done nothing that required forgiveness, then she got up and left our house.

Over the next sixteen years, as I reached out to my mother repeatedly in an attempt to help her, she continued to deny the past. I had to learn to establish boundaries with Patty, and whenever she pushed those boundaries too far, I would take a timeout from our relationship. It was a constant struggle of surrendering her new offenses to God while praying for her restoration to Him. Slowly, our relationship began to change. I stopped viewing her solely as my mother and realized I no longer needed her validation to find my worth. I was now part of a heavenly family, and my relationship with God was where I found my identity and value. Kurt, my husband, while extremely cautious about Patty, understood that God was reaching out to her through me. He stood by me and encouraged me whenever I needed it.

As our daughter, Maurie, grew older, she followed her own desires, and the costs were immense. The stress from our relationship with her, combined with the physical damage from my childhood, eventually took its toll. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and spent almost an entire year in bed, suffering from debilitating pain. Seeing me in constant pain led to a moment of conviction in my mother. She fell to the floor, crying and begging for my forgiveness. I was grateful that I had forgiven her sixteen years earlier, which made it possible for me to approach her with mercy and grace instead of bitterness toward the past. I let her know that I had forgiven her long ago and helped her to her feet.

Although my mother never fully healed from her own childhood, I maintain a relationship with her. I could listen to her talk without being offended, tell her I love her, and genuinely mean it from the depths of my being. I could finally see her through the eyes of Christ; she was a broken, hurting child who needed to be shown unconditional love. Through the process of learning to forgive my mother, I also learned to forgive myself.

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Mat 6:14-15 WEB)

Forgiveness does not imply that the pain or offense you experienced is justified or acceptable; instead, it signifies a conscious choice to release the negative emotions that have burdened you, as well as to let go of any resentment toward the individual who caused the harm. This act of forgiveness involves entrusting these feelings and the person responsible to God, who alone has the capacity to render impartial judgments. God comprehends the full scope of a person’s character, intentions, and circumstances, both internally and externally. The primary goal of forgiveness is not just personal relief but also the restoration of peace and understanding for all parties involved. This process allows you to move forward in your life without being weighed down by past grievances, fostering healing and encouraging healthier relationships. Ultimately, forgiveness can lead to a greater sense of emotional freedom and well-being, nurturing a spirit of compassion and empathy.

Son “She”

She walks into the room

Walks right on by her groom

She tries to act like he’s not there

She likes playing hard to get

She’s to die for but her heart is set

To let you die a thousand deaths

She walks tall, prim and proud

But she’s really crawling on the ground

She tries to hide the stains on her gown

She once knew you

Washed her hands of you

Lyrics by Kurt Daniels